The Struggle for Peace

by Danni Andrew
Out of the Darkness

My life has turned to dust and all that I have put my faith in disappears in an instant. The things that I have longed for no longer seem to matter much and I am exhausted from the struggling. My only hope is in the Lord. No man, woman or child on this planet can give me the peace that I so desire. I have tried many roads and my search for significance has brought me to my knees. My only hope a small flicker in the back of my frazzled mind.

If this were Bible times, I would be Job and I would be in mourning. Mourning the loss of a deep desire to find some sort of meaning from my life. Searching for some sort of relief from the wants and desires of this world. My search for a home and some sort of feeling of belonging has exhausted me and I retreat to my own little world. My wish to belong in this family only leads me deeper into the wilderness.

There is one member of my family who has never turned her back on me. While she may not always be in touch, I know she loves me and her love his pure. While this knowledge brings a smile to my face I still have this hole in my heart from my deep desire to belong. My longing for love and acceptance from my family appears to be misguided.

I have tried many times to appease the part of my family that does not wish to a part of my life. I have sought the company of those who do not wish for my presence. I have begged for acceptance from a group that will never accept.

While part of me is dying inside, another part of me begins to awake and the turmoil of the day only hopes to make me stronger. I know in the depths of my frazzled mind that I can no longer place my life in the hands of thieves and I must look up for it is the only place to look when you are lying flat on your back. The struggle is gone from my heart and the desire to be accepted becomes a wisp of wind and leaves my soul. No longer do I care much for the value of another’s opinion and my own life holds value far above the thoughts of others.

Strangely I find peace in the realization that the struggle is over. I know that I can walk away with my head held high. Knowing that I have fought the fight and while my trials have not totally been in vain and have gone with little recognition, I know that I have done the best I can for my aging parents. Their residence may not be the one we had hoped for, it is still where they need to be. And yet, this place in my life is not the one I had hoped for either. It is the place where I need to be and my heart is exhausted, but I find a place of peace as well.

While I know that my struggles are far from over in this chaotic world I have also found that my life must have some sort of meaning outside the confines of family identity. The one who knows my heart the best is the one who matters the most. No man or woman of flesh and blood can bring the kind of peace and stability that I crave. It is not about a level of education or a profession that brings me the comfort that I need. While I stand in the rain and the cold seeps into my bones, the warmth and peace from the Lord emanates from within.

My search has taken me down many roads and while those roads have led to many a disaster, they have not been in vain. My goal is clear and the path before me is not one of grave destruction. Giving up is not an option and the battles fought in the world of fast food management and family matters have served to prepare me for the battle of writing a book.

While I have partially turned over the reigns of handling the affairs of my aging parents to one who wishes to handle them more than I, I have decided to not see this as a failure. I know that I have done the best that I can do for them and at the same time I have begged for help in this task. Help has offered a hand and I have chosen to take it. My self-respect is intact and I know that my battle has been hard fought and won. The final details of lives that are not mine and will be left to another. I have fought the good fight and my parents still need care as they occupy the frail bodies of this world. Until their passing I will continue to be a part of their lives. I have just chosen to let others care for the details as they should.

My heart is at peace with my decision and the battle for who is right and who is wrong loses it’s significance and while I still care for my parents, I no longer care much for the value of other opinions that no longer matter. It’s a peace that passes all understanding in a world that places such value on things. I have the things that I wanted from my parents and that is a huge vault of memories. Mementos of our times together are nice and I have a few of those too. Things that mean little to others, mean much to me.

The one thing my Mother wanted the most was for her children to get along. While I do not always agree with things that are said and done in this family group, I have decided to let those worries and frustrations go and give up a battle that is futile and only causes me grief. My Mother can no longer speak and tell me what she thinks, but I do not need to hear her words to hear her heart. I know what she wants from me, and I know what I need to do.

Peace is not something given to me by another. It is not words bestowed on me by someone who has been absent in the past and has finally seen the light of my value and chosen to acknowledge it. True peace comes from within and from me walking away from the need to be recognized for my achievements. I can rest knowing that I have tried and while my name will not be in lights and my deeds are largely unrecognizable to most, my life is not in vain.

I stand in the doorway and see the baggage of my life sitting in the dust. The things that mattered so much to me are in those bags and I choose to leave them here. I will retrieve that which is truly mine and walk away from the things that no longer define my life. The load is much easier to bear and while I watch the others digging through those things I am saddened by it. I cannot give them the peace that they desire, I can only hope and pray that they find what they are looking for. That they will learn that money and power never buy you happiness and things rust and become broken. And they are no longer useful to my life.

I shut off the lights and close the door, taking only the things with me that I can use and leaving the rest where they belong. I hope and pray that the others will find the peace that they so desire and the realization that true peace can not be found in dusty boxes that defined the life of another human being. With my mementos in my pocket I walk down the road to a life that can only be defined by God and while my troubles are far from over my trust is in the Lord, and my desire is to find the things that He wants me to do for others is evident. My heart and my mind are finally calm in this sea of confusion. I have sought solace in many things and come up empty. Today I have found calm waters amidst this sea and I can finally breathe again. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but today I am peaceful and thankful for the respite I have found. I must remind myself daily that true peace only comes from the Lord.

(c) 2011 Danni Andrew

Article submitted Saturday, May 28, 2011 & read 106 times.

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